Friday, April 27, 2007


Woke up at 10am this morning and went right back to sleep. Now, as you all know my new schedule, I should have gotten up and ready. But I didn't. I slept until 11:45am, knowing full-well that Ron would be there at 12am. Finally got my tush up and ready to go, and decided to lay back down and be all snuggly-bunny before I had to go. Right on time, Ron got there at 12. Left there and went to, oh hell, I don't even remember. After where ever we went, we ended up going to KSU to see the lab there. It was... nice. After that, we went to Portage County Juvenile Detention Center to have a look around. Lots of unhappy-looking campers, let me tell you. We left there and went to some health-care center so Ron could go to his doctor's appointment. I slept in the car for a good two hours. I definately needed it. I would probably feel better if I had some means to get food, but unfortunately my wallet is at home, and Mike is definately not here with a pizza like he usually is. I guess I can eat when I get home... or I may eat that packet of tuna I have in my bag... I should really save it for when my sugar is low, though... but I am really hungry... and tired... grrr....
SO, after that, we came back to help-desk, and I've been here ever since. There are lots of bright-sides to this day though; a) i got paid, b) i get off at 9pm instead of 12am, c) weekendz, and d) Tomb Raider: Legend - w00t.

Kyle, Tim, Dan, Anthony, and I crammed into Tim's dented car and trekked up to the mall. We stopped, first, at ebGames, or something, looking for a copy of Tenchu for the xbox [sorry, guys, but the xbox version was much better... friggin' playstation... with the no wall-camo... jerks]. Me, being the nerd-kid that I am, decided to look for Tomb Raider: Legend, as it is awesome, and too large to keep on my harddrive. Found it, of course, but for xbox, not teh 360. Either way, I get my game, so, whatever [though I will find it for 360, and I will buy it]. We found Tenchu as well, so I paid and we left. Got lunch at Subway. Was awesome. Still needed to go to HotTopic, as that is what we were originally there for. Anthony got the dethklok shirt that he wanted, and I an odd-shaped pair of pants. Got home in enough time to play through half of Bolivia before I had to go to work.

New Work Hours

Okay, here is how my new work schedule is going:

Monday: No Work [but I am spending that day with Anthony, because we both
have it off]
Tuesday: 4pm-12am
Wednesday: 4pm-12am
Thursday: 4pm-12am
Friday: 12:30pm-9pm
Sat/Sun: No Work [No plans (other than the D&D campaign on Saturday night)]

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Demotion and Dropping a One-Sided Friendship

Okay, so, it isn't really demotion, just an added responsibility that takes less IQ and more organizational skills. Am definately Ron's secretary. On the plus-side, though, I have a guaranteed ride to work and Mondays off. ^^ Fun stuff, on a more serious subject...

Chadrick Allen Crabtree. Someone I thought I could trust. Someone I felt connected to. Someone I loved. Until he ripped out my heart for the last time. Never again.

I am tired of how you treat me. I won't take it anymore. You can suffer, I don't care.You have told me for the last time how awful my creations are. You have embarrassed, argued with, lied to, frustrated, hurt, and whipped a guilt-trip on me for the last time. You had the power to do that to me because I gave it to you. Well, no more. Never again. If I met you in the street, you would be no different than anyone else. Do you recall me mentioning time-before-last how I would push you away if you decided to hurt me the way you have? Do you recall me telling you that I wouldn't take it anymore? I remember. I don't care how destined it was that we met. You told me yourself, "history does repeat itself, but things hange." I don't care how long we have known each other. I don't care. I don't care enough that I am telling you now our friendship has ended. I am done. I will not let you belittle me anymore, or downplay the amazing things that have happened, or will happen, in my life. I will not have your opinions of my creativity, my creations, my ideas thrust into my face, especially when your creativity is solely borrowed or dumb luck. Other people's opinions won't matter to me, either. If I hear from anyone how much of a bitch I was about this, or how uncalled for it was, I won't care. It will not change my mind, will not sway me in any way.
Let me tell you a little something that I have been thinking about for a long time. It is a funny thing when someone has a rare disease, very rare, mind, and there will always be that one person who has it, too. They have everything that everyone else has. They want attention; kind, loving attention. You will never get that. Never. Not until you stop being the selfish, awful thing you are, and start caring about other people, until you start being selfless. I have a quote for you; 'The fool doth think himself wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.' William Shakespeare. He was one smart cookie. Think on that, maybe, just maybe, you'll learn something.
I'll end on this note, another quote; 'You have no power over me.' - Sarah in The Labyrinth

Saturday, April 21, 2007

there's a can of beef-a-roni in my back seat

So, no Quake tourney because someone "forgot" about the server, even though there was plenty of time to prepare. Any way, another Quake tourney was promised to me for next LAN party. *sigh*

Started my character for Harvey's D&D campaign. I'm a cleric. ^^ I wanted my name to be Jesus, but Harvey said no, so my name is Fearnae. I had the highest stats. I was def stoked. *muah* I have no dump stat, they were all 13+; 13, 15, 15, 16, 17, and 17. w00t - l337, 1o1.

Not going to Rocky tonight, am not feeling up to it. Sinus stuff, maybe an infection. Ick. Can't wait to get home. Haven't played Gears in, like, two days. O.o

you broke my harddrive with your unplugging things!!!

At the LAN party. Yay. ^^ Quake tourney still hasn't started yet, and it's already 1h30. I could have been at home sleeping, or... sleeping. Someone bought twenty pizzas and had them delivered, and by twenty pizzas I mean twenty 30 x 30 inch pizzas. They were gone in four minutes, four! These guys were like freaking vultures. I think there are only three girls here, including me. It's ridiculous. And they're so vulgar. Ick.
Was playing Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation earlier, died a lot. May play again. May not. Was thinking about playing Evidence, but I like to play that with other people... Hm.

Have this awful sinus thing going on. Nose won't quit running unless I'm running, and I can't stop sneezing. Ick.

Had another dream about my dad last night. It was odd...

I was back in the house, in the basement, with my gramma.
She was moving into the basement, and was hanging some
decorations. I went upstairs to the living room. I sat on the
arm of the couch just as he was coming home. I looked at
him and started to speak, but he turned his head away and
averted his eyes. I kept trying to talk to him but he just kept
shaking his head. I thought to myself, "fine, I don't need this.
I'll just ignore you, " and I left the house. I walked for a bit,
and then spun around on this rolley-chair [there is no proper
way to spell "rolley" as it is not a word that can be used as
an adjective. The word "rolley", noun-wise, is a small wagon]
for a while, and then I woke up.

I do believe that my ability to leave the house is symbolic of my newly found acceptance of the situation with my dad. Me being able to ignore him, being able to leave the house, shows that I am willing to move on. Yes, that's it. ^^

Friday, April 20, 2007

she's a whatever-drug-she's-on addict...

Missed out on the chance to see Papa Giorgio, Ray, Amanda, and the rest of the Maplewood gang. They were up here at UA for a few short hours today, probably for contest. They called when I was still sleeping. ^^

The LAN party is tomorrow. Can't wait. Need to make sure I get up on time. It isn't going to be so great not seeing ?Anthony? all day, though. Whatever. I'm going to rock the QIII, or try to, really, really hard. ^^ Papa Giorgio said he may attend. ^^

Been drinking lots of water lately. Happy about that. Am finding it easier to get up in the morning [or early afternoon]. Hm.

Been thinking a lot about my dad, lately. Been having odd dreams, in most of which, he comes to my house after I have children and such. Sometimes he is really mad, and sometimes he is just like I was as I ventured up to his front door. Just as timid, and curious, just as careful, not sure what to expect.

Well, Anthony lost the ring I gave him, my little silver one, with the heart. It wasn't his fault, of course, he was attacked by some twine holding up an illegally strung sign [DAMN YOU, MAYTAG!!]. It broke the necklace it was on, the ring probably stuck in someone's tire, on its way to cause death and destruction in some adjacent state. I'm not upset. Well, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I definately thought he wouldn't lose it, for the simple fact that Matt always lost the rings I gave him [or gave them back], and we aren't together anymore. I do not know if I should do as compelled and take it as an omen. Matt lost more and more trust in me the more I tried to show him how loyal I was. The rings, of course, representing eternity or infinity, because there is no end. I never lost anything he gave me, and so whole-heartedly trusted him, no matter what. I know I should take it as an intelligent person would and understand that shit happens. That is, after all, what life is about, right? You hit a few bumps in the road, here and there, maybe even a few illegally strung signs [DAMN YOU, MAYTAG!!], but you just metophorically "keep on trucking," in a manner of speaking.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

"it showed that you didnt want to talk to me at all"

i don't
i want to
far away
and be cold
so maybe it will freeze
my insides
and it won't
hurt so fucking much
i want to be away from the worry
away from the pain
away from this fucking place

Work, the Desk, and all that jazz...

At no time is your boy friend allowed to be in Bierce 69. He is defiantly not allowed behind the counter. IF, he has a computer problem one of the other techs can attend to him.


1. Boyfriend is definately one word.
2. Defiantly and definately are two very different words.
3. Who is usually in the office with you, Holly? Oh, yeah, RON'S CHILDREN. I can't have an ADULT in the office, but you can have sniveling children in the office? Oh, thank you!

Yeah, I am
really upset about this. Work isn't fun anymore. Thinking about quitting. Seriously considering it.

Friday, April 13, 2007

xbox live

Actually have a gamertag now. Yay. ^^ Yeah, it's hexidecimalhack, just like everything else...

Thursday, April 12, 2007

walk of shame

Sitting here waiting for French to end, I am reminded of walking to the front door of his house. The anxiety I felt then, I am feeling now. I feel like I may cry. Maybe. I don't even know. Perhaps it is just the familiarity of the situation that is spurring my emotion. Trying to calm down. Saw Andy in the building. He asked what was wrong because I didn't look very happy. I could only say, "walk of shame," as I handed him my drop form. §I can handle this, but I can't handle anything else...§ I feel like I'm making excuses for what everyone else can handle, no problem. I guess I just need to take time to relax. Maybe just working for a bit will help me get back on track.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

waiting for the break


feel like nothing can go right
i don't understand what is happening to me
i feel lost
so confused
maybe i did something wrong
just maybe
feel the sinking in my chest
feel the pain under my ribs

Monday, April 09, 2007

i ain't askin' you what windows i have...

i'm askin' you what my operating system is...

Gah. Fucking people at work. People who want their shit fixed who willingly come into our office and talk down to us like we're children with [[gah]] i don't even know.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

sign on my head that reads "no vacancy"...

blackouts more and more
should sleep
may at work
cleaning went well
wondering what will...
decidedly flunking
drop them tomorrow
seeking guidance