Monday, February 22, 2010

YouTube Video - Tattoo of the Sun

They gave my video back!!!

Loss of a Relationship - 7 Stages of Loss

Loss of a relationship

The second most intense life stress, after death, is divorce or loss of a love relationship. Most of us beyond 14 or 16 have felt the intense pain and anguish of being rejected by a lover. Many writers have dealt with marital problems and the long, distressful process of divorce. Kessler (1975) described seven stages of divorce:

Stage 1: Disillusionment

After the bliss of falling in love (with the ideal person for you), a new idea sneaks into your mind: your lover has some faults. You may begin "psychologizing," e.g. "he is very self-centered," "she is nagging like my mother," "he flirts with women to hide his sexual fears," "she gets a lot more involved with the children than she does with me," etc. If these feelings grow in either person, without being resolved, the relationship is in trouble.

Stage 2: Erosion

The disappointments and fault-finding reduce the love and attraction. They may not know what is wrong or what to say. If the relationship is becoming a little strained, this is the best time to have a good, straight talk or to seek marriage counseling. If no changes are made, a lot of destructive interactions may take place: put each other down, compete for attention, spend money carelessly, find new interests, watch each other critically, avoid each other, stop "confiding" or having sex.

Stage 3: Detachment

Each disappointment hurts. "Love dies a thousand deaths." Lovers pull away to avoid hurts and sadness. If the isolation continues, it becomes more and more difficult to return to being lovers. Sometimes only one person is in the detachment stage; that is enough to kill the relationship. In this stage, the couple share and talk little, imply that "I don't care" even though they're hurting, and begin to think of other possible partners. They can't decide to leave or not. Often anger sets in--anger makes it easier to decide to separate.

Stage 4: Physical separation

Separating is a sure sign the relationship has failed. Before, you might say, "we aren't getting along; we're fighting a lot," but now the relationship is gone--lost. There are many reactions to separation: often it is a painful, crushing void, sometimes if you have wanted out for a long time it is a relief, usually there is loneliness, fear, and feelings of failure. There are many adjustments to make--new place to live, new routine, new people, etc.

Stage 5: Mourning and letting go

We mourn the loss of a partner, even one who has caused us pain. It is the loss of a dream, if nothing else. We rid ourselves of the "ghosts" of our past love, give up hope of reconciliation, and realize the ex-lover is gone forever. Usually there is a mix of intense emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, fear, hope. Often we spend hours reliving the old relationship--how awful he/she was, how it should have been, whose fault it was, etc. The person needs to "work through" these old emotions. Eventually, he/she will decide to get on with his/her life.

Stage 6: A new life.

The focus shifts from the past to the future. Sometimes there is even an obsession with a new interest or life-style--new clothes and looks, drinking, seducing and partying, or complete involvement with work and planning a new career or volunteering to help in some social-political movement. Some are eager to find love again, others hate the opposite sex, others are scared of emotional involvement. In some ways it's like being a teenager again.

Stage 7: Healthy adjustment

With luck, one emerges from a broken relationship wiser, tougher, stronger, and mellower. You have found some good friends and made reasonable plans for the future. You are no longer so worried you can't sleep at nights and, although life is hard, you are ready to move on to something better. Each person is different. Some skip stages; some get stuck in a stage; some slide through the stages quickly and silently. Seldom do a divorcing couple start and go through the same stages at the same time. The earlier a couple attends to problems, the better. It is an unending task of true lovers to be sure the fun and affection outweigh the boredom and resentment. If you are stuck in stage 2 or 3 for a few weeks and can't work it out or get your partner to seek counseling together, go by yourself. If you are still mourning a former relationship (that obviously had problems) after more than two or three months, seek some help with speeding up the recovery process.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Ways To Be Charitable That Don't Cost

Being charitable doesn't always mean forking over your hard earned (if you even have any) cash. I donate to places when I can, but when that isn't an option, there are other ways to be charitable.

hexidecimalhack invites you to

On you complete tasks for a cause that you choose. I chose To Write Love On Her Arms (on SocialVibe); a charity for suicide prevention. Every 100 points you earn gives 9 minutes of suicide prevention online or over the phone. Join SocialVibe and pick a cause.

Fight World Hunger

FreeRice is one of the best charities I've seen. It is basically a trivia game. There are many subjects. For every answer you get right, FreeRice donates 10 grains of rice to the United Nations World Food Programme. is similar to FreeRice. Unfortunately they do not have a sponsor right now.

free charity donation word game is a multiple choice crossword. There are five charities to choose from; charity : water, Invisible Youth Network, The Nature Conservancy, The Oaktree Foundation, and Philippine Aide Society.

The Hunger Site

The Hunger Site is the quickest and easiest way to donate. You just click the "Click here to give - it's free" button once a day.